Life and Loss
by Rebel1701
Summary: Set immediately after Star Trek Generations--Deals with Picard's reactions to the loss of his ship and decisions involving his career.


The observation lounge lights were dimmed on board the U.S.S. Farragut, the Nebula-class vessel that had departed seven hours ago from the planet Veridian III. Jean-Luc Picard stared out the viewport at the stars as they streaked by, the Oberth-class vessel, the name of which had slipped his mind at the moment, was visible in the lower-left corner of his view.  
  
His head still rang loudly with recent events. An untrained observer might presume that he was simply viewing the stars, as many do when they gaze upon those streaks of light. But those that knew him, knew better. The view helped him collect his thoughts, which was definitely what he needed.  
  
He couldn't help but be saddened. Earlier today, he had buried of one of Starfleet's most honored captains, James Kirk, on a rocky hilltop. As if that wasn't enough, Riker & Co. managed to get the newly renovated Enterprise destroyed while he was gone. All that, and he still felt the loss of his nephew Renee and brother Robére.  
  
But he did his best to push those thoughts out of his mind. His morals demanded that, not to mention the edicts of the Prime Directive. Through his actions on Veridian III, he had saved an entire star system. saved millions of lives. No one captain. no one ship could compare to that. Even if the captain was James Kirk and the ship the Enterprise.  
  
And yet, it was Kirk, and it was his ship. The fact that he had lost a ship before, the Stargazer, made no difference in the emotional impact of the experience.  
  
The fact that he had seen people die before made no difference. Picard's mind echoed the man's last words.  
  
It was. fun.  
  
Suddenly, his ears perked, and he swiveled around to face the person who had managed to enter the room without him noticing.  
  
"Captain, I hope I'm not disturbing?"  
  
Picard offered a slight smile at his former first officer. "Not at all, Will. What is it?"  
  
"The Captain asked me to inform you that we'll be arriving at Starbase 63 in less than an hour."  
  
"Very good." The older man turned slightly to gaze out the viewport once again. "What's the crew's status?"  
  
"Good. We've finished reuniting all of the families that were separated during the emergency saucer separation. in fact, the senior staff and most of the department heads are putting together something of a party in the officer's lounge."  
  
Picard quirked a brow. "Strange time for a party, don't you think, Number One?"  
  
"Quite. But Counselor Troi thought it would be good for morale. besides, I think that. she needed more of an official sendoff."  
  
"Agreed. Send my regards to the senior staff."  
  
Riker edged closer, his left hand moving to the headrest of one of the chairs that lined the long conference table. "Sir, I came here to ask you to attend. I think the senior staff would really appreciate it."  
  
The captain smiled and threw a glance back to Riker. "I don't think so, Will." He turned back to the stars. "I was thinking of going back to my quarters and finish my book."  
  
Riker nodded. "Very good, sir."  
  
There were several moments of awkward silence with Picard looking out the viewport expressionlessly before Riker spoke up again.  
  
"Sir. if I may. What are your plans once we get back to starbase?"  
  
That seemed to snap the captain out of his reverie. He turned and stared at Riker for a moment before taking a breath and moving closer to the conference table. Once there, he picked up and reactivated a PADD he had been using earlier.  
  
"Actually, I was thinking of going back to Earth. Tend to the Picard Vineyards. Marie has been left with an awful mess, cleaning up the place."  
  
He looked up to see Riker looking incredulously at him. "Give up Starfleet, sir?"  
  
The captain looked up after he tapped a few controls on the PADD. "Perhaps. I haven't decided. In any event, I will be continuing on to Earth on board the Farragut once the rest of the Enterprise personnel has departed."  
  
He turned the PADD towards the Riker, which displayed a passenger manifest for the Farragut's voyage back to Earth.  
  
Riker's eyes flickered to the PADD, giving it a quick once-over, and then shot back to Picard. "Sir, I understand that you have recently undergone a serious personal tragedy. and the loss of the Enterprise will be deeply felt by all of her crew. but I don't think that giving up your career in Starfleet is the answer." He spoke almost with a degree of hostility.  
  
A soft smile of mild amusement spread over Picard's features. He shook his head slightly. "Number One, the worth of one's life is not necessarily determined by the strength of a career in Starfleet." Riker's hard look softened, and he even managed a small smile. "Its your call." He started to turn towards the door. "You're welcome to attend the party if you change your mind."  
  
The captain smiled, and after a moment, the doors slid shut and Picard was alone once again.  
  
To be honest, the thought of leaving Starfleet permanently had not really occurred to him. He turned back towards the windows, once again staring absent-mindedly into those streaks, just as he had back on his old ship.  
  
The more he thought about it, the more it started to make sense. He'd been neglecting his personal life, and the loss of the Enterprise had presented him with the perfect opportunity to correct the problem.  
  
"Perhaps it's time to start a new chapter in the life of Jean-Luc Picard."  
  
***  
  
Hours later, the starship dropped out of warp. Along with its two escorts, it docked at Starbase 63 to drop off their cargo of former Enterprise personnel and equipment. Picard had returned to his guest quarters after offering the briefest goodbye he could muster to the senior staff, and had stripped out of his duty uniform. Instead, he was now clad in a dark green, long-sleeved shirt and a pair of dark, auburn pants, together with an open, loose vest over his shirt. The only item that hinted at his former attire was his commbadge, attached over his left breast on his vest, and he intended to get rid of that once he was onboard the transport. He stuffed the tunic and pants into his duffel bag, and prepared to wait out the remainder of the time in spacedock and the trip back to Sol space in solitude.  
  
It was not twenty minutes later, after he had just settled down with his book PADD, when Picard received word from the Farragut's executive officer that the ship had been diverted and was not heading back to Earth after all. However, arrangements had been made for him onboard the transport ship Fortitude, which was en route back to Utopia Planitia from a supply run to an outlying colony. From there, said the XO, he could take a shuttle back to Earth. His things had already been transferred to the hold of the Fortitude, and it would be leaving shortly.  
  
So there he was, walking down the corridors of the Starbase, en route to Bay 49-the bay that currently housed the Fortitude.  
  
Starbase 63 was becoming a relic of the early 2360's, and that became more than obvious as Picard strode through the airlock. He was faced with a huge chamber that was perhaps twenty meters high and circled to the left and right of him, forming one of the docking levels on the massive space station. Behind him, the Farragut loomed outside a huge, wall-sized viewport.  
  
Just outside the airlock there was a large lounge, consisting of several dozen couches and padded chairs-some facing the viewport, others around tables fitted with holographic displays or entertainment, and others simply faced each other. Picard spotted a turbolift access point perhaps fifty or sixty meters in front of him and began moving towards it, moving briskly  
  
He had passed through a lounge just outside the (support tendril walkway? Airlock?) and was about to press the control that summoned the turbolift when he paused and turned to see two figures approaching him.  
  
"Picard!"  
  
Picard grimaced slightly when he realized who it was that was calling his name: Fleet Admiral Alynna Nechayev, moving towards him with the slightest smile playing on her lips. As usual, she was clad in Starfleet admiralty garb, with black on the shoulders and crimson from there down, with a gold-trimmed zipper going all the way up the front and a belt across her midsection, with the buckle bearing the UFP insignia. Blond hair was pulled back into a bun, giving her features a sharper look. All-in-all, she looked to be a first-class officer. Unfortunately, Picard new better.  
  
As she approached, however, he forced a courteous smile. "Admiral! What a pleasant surprise."  
  
Commander Riker, who had been trailing a short distance behind the woman, had stopped a few feet behind and to the right of her. The Admiral, meanwhile, stepped forward and took Picard's hand, giving it a brisk shake. "The surprise is seeing you here, Captain. I thought you were continuing on the Farragut to Earth. Have a change of plans?"  
  
"No, not at all." Picard shook his head. "The Farragut has been diverted, and I will be continuing on to Sol Sector onboard the transport Fortitude. She leaves dock in under an hour."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that. Commander Riker here was just telling me about your open-ended sabbatical from the fleet. I hope you won't be away for too long."  
  
Picard grumbled inwardly. He really had no intention of sharing any details of his personal plans with an Admiral of whom he was not very fond. Instead, he changed the subject.  
  
"Is there something I can help you with, Admiral?"  
  
"Actually, I was just telling Commander Riker about my new job. Several of us from Starfleet Command have been personally overseeing the expansion of the fleet, including the introduction of new ship classes."  
  
"Uh huh." Picard smirked, this time, legitimately. "Well, I'm glad to see they're keeping you busy."  
  
"Yes, they have. One of our newer projects, the Sovereign class, is proceeding ahead of schedule."  
  
"Sovereign?" Picard's interested was piqued. "Equipped with quantum torpedo launchers and an enhanced deflector, and an improved warp core to go along with it all, as I recall."  
  
"I'm impressed, Jean-Luc. Reading the reports, I see?"  
  
"Most definitely. But. last I heard the prototype was still under construction."  
  
"As a matter of fact, we are a bit further along than the official reports indicate. We're just a few months away from completing the second ship of the class. The USS Sovereign, the prototype, was completed quite some time ago."  
  
"Indeed?"  
  
"Oh, yes. In fact, we've advanced to the next stage; we're looking for a crew to assign to the second ship."  
  
There was a pause as Picard glanced from the Admiral to Riker, then back again. "You are considering the Enterprise crew?"  
  
"I told-"  
  
Nechayev held up her hand, immediately silencing the interjecting Riker. "The Commander already informed me of your immediate intentions, but Starfleet Command has decided to offer you and your crew the ship anyway."  
  
"Well, I must thank you for your offer, but as my former first officer must have told you, my mind is set on the matter."  
  
"I see." Disappointment was barely detectable in the Admiral's voice, but she quickly covered it up with another polite smile, and an extension of her hand towards Picard's. "Well, at least let me wish you luck with your new life."  
  
"Of course." Picard shook the woman's hand whilst offering a smile. "But now, if you'll excuse me, I do have a transport to catch."  
  
The admiral inclined her head slightly before Picard turned and made the few steps to take him to a pair of closed turbolift doors. He tapped the control panel and almost immediately the doors slid open.  
  
He stepped into the empty lift and inputted his destination into the lift's computer. The doors slid shut behind him.  
  
Nechayev's smile quickly faded to a small frown. "That. really is too bad. Well." She sighed, diverting her eyes away from the blank turbolift doors and towards Riker. "It doesn't change the fact that we're giving the ship to what's left of the Enterprise crew."  
  
Riker held his hands together loosely behind his back. Under normal circumstances, he would be ecstatic to learn that he would be posted onboard one of Starfleet's newest vessels, much the same as when he learned he had gotten the job of executive officer onboard the Enterprise. But all that was before he knew who Picard was.  
  
He made an extra effort to give his voice an air of pleasantness and gratitude. "Yes, ma'am. I think I speak with the voice of the entire crew when I say thank you for the opportunity to serve on one of Starfleet's finest vessels."  
  
Nechayev cocked a brow at the commander, then walked ten feet or so to the left, two turbolift doors down, to the shaft that serviced the command level and flight control decks. She pressed on the control panel adjacent to the doors-the panel indicated that the lift was dozens of floors up, so it would be a moment before the lift arrived.  
  
"Don't get too excited, Commander-You're not receiving an instant promotion. The Sovereign class is a lot of ship, and Command only wants to give her to an experienced CO, and, quite frankly, that's not you."  
  
The lift doors opened and Nechayev stepped in, not giving Riker a chance to respond.  
  
"Command deck."  
  
The lift beeped obediently, and the doors slid shut, leaving a very confused and insulted Riker there alone in front of the closed lift doors.  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
He exhaled in a combination of irritation and frustration and closed his eyes for a moment. He cleared his throat, trying to brush off the incident, and turned-almost running straight into Troi and La Forge, who had approached him from behind.  
  
"What was that all about?" La Forge asked, his right hand giving his VISOR a slight adjustment.  
  
"She was. quite annoyed." Troi's eyes stared off where the Admiral had disappeared for a moment, and then looked to Riker for an explanation.  
  
"Well." Riker smiled slightly and started moving back towards a congregation of the rest of the Enterprise senior officers, who had been watching from a distance away, lightly draping both arms around the backs of the former counselor and chief engineer. "I suppose you could say I've got some good news and some bad news."  
  
***  
  
The Sun blazed hot over the French countryside. It was definitely summer on Earth. A very hot summer, as a matter of fact. And, as with most plants in hot weather, if they don't get the attention and care they need to survive, they begin to wilt. And wilted the grape vines were.  
  
But all was not lost. A compound, when routed through the irrigation system, would be able to revive the nearly dead crop, saving at least several hundred bottles' worth of grapes.  
  
So there Picard stood, a civilian scanner in one hand as he made his way through the vineyards, calculating how much of the revitalizing chemical to apply to each section of crop. He wore a wide-brimmed opaque hat to protect his features from the Sun's heat, and had opted for a set of coveralls to protect his still small collection of civilian clothing from getting too dirty.  
  
He placed the scanner in the dirt at the base of one of the vines, taking one last soil nutrient reading and recording it before deciding to take a break from the tedious work. His posture righted itself, and he took a brisk breath, eyes drifting towards the magnificent sight of the rolling hills and foliage located just beyond the farthest stretch of vineyards, outlined and highlighted by the sun and brilliant blue sky.  
  
His eyes squinted against the brightness of the Sun, but he still smiled to himself. The last several months had been good to him. Marie had been very kind, and had assisted him in rebuilding the house that had burned in the fire, and had even helped him tend the grapevines.  
  
He took a deep breath, held it for a moment, then slowly exhaled. It was good to be home. Good to be at the place where he grew up. He was glad he was back here, doing what he was supposed to be doing-caring for the vineyards, and taking care of what was left of his family.  
  
He smiled a bit to himself. Besides, the good women down at the singles pub seemed to have a thing for ex starship captains who took a personal interest in winemaking.  
  
A sigh. Ex captain. To be honest, he missed his days on the bridge of the Enterprise. But those days were gone.  
  
He shook his head, trying to shake the memory. He bent over the next grape vine and held the scanner near the soil, taking another reading. He stopped suddenly, there on his haunches, and let his head hang. He let his eyes close in an attempt to force the memories away.  
  
Those days were gone.  
  
Gone.  
  
He grumbled to himself, suddenly not feeling so motivated to continue his work. He pocketed the scanner and headed back towards the new house that served as a home for Picard and his sister-in-law.  
  
Marie looked up as the old-style door swung open and Picard walked in. "Jean-Luc. back so early?"  
  
"Mmm." Picard gave her a quick smile before moving to a table to the immediate right of the door and tossing the scanner onto the surface, rejoining the piece of equipment with the rest of its kind.  
  
Marie was standing against the wall opposite the door, inside a half- open enclave that housed the kitchen. "You're a little early for dinner."  
  
"Its alright, Marie. Don't speed things up on my account." Picard was removing the coveralls on his way to the small bedroom he was now living in.  
  
"How are the vines?"  
  
"Fine, fine." Picard emerged a moment later, now visible in a loose white shirt and grey pants that were tucked into a pair of boots. "I'll finish the survey tomorrow."  
  
The woman stepped away from the stove, picking up a dishtowel on a nearby countertop and drying her hands. "Too hot, hmm?"  
  
"Hot. yes." Picard nodded, seating himself at the moderately sized dining table nearby the kitchen enclave.  
  
"Let me get you some water." Marie fetched two glasses and filled them with ice and water, putting the other food on hold as she joined Picard at the table. She placed one glass in front of herself, and the other in front of him. "Are you sure you're alright, Jean-Luc?"  
  
"Yes, of course." Picard looked to her with a genuine reassuring smile. "Is there something that makes you think otherwise?"  
  
"Well. nothing really." She eyed him curiously.  
  
Picard gave her the same look back, his smile fading just slightly. "Its nothing, Marie. You don't need to concern yourself."  
  
Marie's eyes narrowed. She leaned back into the chair she was sitting in, her hands still fidgeting with the dishtowel.  
  
An awkward several moments ensued before Marie spoke up again. "Jean- Luc, are you sure you're happy here?"  
  
"What kind of a question is that?" There was just the slightest hint of hostility in Picard's voice. "You and I both know that moving back here is the best decision I've made in. well, a long time. I'm--"  
  
"Getting back to your familial roots, yes, I know." Marie laughed. "So you tell me-every chance you get."  
  
Picard smiled. "If you know the answer, then why keep on repeating the question?"  
  
"Well. I suppose I just want to make sure. Robert and I always knew that you loved being in Starfleet, and."  
  
"All it is is a change. A transition of lifestyle. It just takes a little getting used to. I did essentially live in space for over twenty years, after all."  
  
"Well, I just want to make sure you're happy with your decision."  
  
"I am."  
  
***  
  
Deanna Troi was still trying to get used to the feel of the Sovereign- class bridge amidst the chaos that racked the ship in the final hours before its launch.  
  
She quieted her mind, muffling the sound of the twenty or so crewmembers' emotions as she took a visual survey of the ship's command center. She ran her fingers over the smooth, angular control panel that was accessible from her seat. At the moment, it was configured to display general ship's status information, and her eyes flickered over the readout. After a moment, she looked away from it and took in the rest of the room. It had more of a metallic, Spartan look than the bridge she had served on for seven years. It was different, not to mention less comfortable, but she supposed she could get used to it.  
  
"Hello, Deanna."  
  
"Good morning, Will." Troi turned to see Riker taking his seat, which was symmetrical to hers relative to the captain's chair-which was, at the moment, empty. "Are we almost ready for departure?"  
  
"Almost." Riker was busy looking between his chair's control console and a PADD he was holding. "We're pretty much just waiting for the paint to dry." He looked up and smiled at his old friend.  
  
Troi glanced around at the other Starfleet officers, who were scrambling to make last minute adjustments to bridge systems. "Hard to believe they're calling it an Enterprise."  
  
Riker laughed, putting his PADD down on top of his control station. "Over half the crew is new to serving onboard the Federation flagship."  
  
Troi added her own sarcastic half-smile. "I'm sure it'll take some time to properly whip them into shape." She glanced over her shoulder to see one of the crews disappear with their gear into the turbolift at the rear of the bridge. "Speaking of new. where's this new captain of ours?"  
  
"Beats the hell outta me." Riker pulled one of his feet up and rested it on his opposite leg's knee. "Starfleet Command is treating it like some kind of secret. Probably because the Enterprise-E is the first service- ready Sovereign-class in the fleet."  
  
"Well, I just hope it's not Jellico again. I was thinking about going back to my old counseling outfits." She turned, glancing over at the turbolift as she heard the door open.  
  
Out stepped Data, smiling and nodding as he passed a female crewman on the way to his station at the front of the bridge.  
  
"Data!" Troi called out to him in greeting.  
  
"Counselor, hello." Data offered her the very same smile. Most of the senior staff still had problems adjusting to Data's now fully functional emotion chip, including Troi.  
  
"Welcome to the Enterprise, Data." Riker stood, spreading his hands out to his sides, indicating the bridge and rest of the ship.  
  
"Thank you, sir. Quite an impressive vessel. Excuse me, but I have a pre-launch checklist, and."-Data actually winked at Riker--".you know how drydock flight control can be."  
  
"Well then, carry on."  
  
Data nodded and sat down at Ops, his digits flying over the control panel quickly as he went through his tasks. Riker looked to Troi and grinned.  
  
"Is it known who is the commander of the new Enterprise?" Data had turned his head to glance at Riker while he was speaking, but his fingers still flew over the controls.  
  
"I'm afraid not." Riker rose from his seat and took a few steps forward, now hovering just behind the helm.  
  
"Commander." Data spoke up again, his eyes fixed on a display screen that was beeping insistently. "We are receiving a message from drydock control. They are informing us that the Enterprise commanding officer was delayed, and is en route onboard a shuttlecraft." A small pause as he examined his console further. "Shuttle secured in primary shuttlebay."  
  
"Very well. Lieutenant Hawk, bring maneuvering thrusters online and take us out, three hundred KPH."  
  
The lieutenant nodded. "Powering up thrusters. Three hundred KPH, aye."  
  
Riker turned to face down a questioning look from Troi. "He did miss the commissioning ceremony."  
  
Troi smiled and looked like she was about to give Riker a friendly verbal reprimand, but suddenly her lips twisted down into a frown, her eyes staring through Riker like he wasn't there.  
  
Riker eyed her skeptically. "Counselor?" Data glanced over his shoulder towards her as well, concern evident in his android features.  
  
She had swiveled her chair to the right slightly, head turned to face the turbolift door. Her head shook from side to side, just barely. Her voice sounded of disbelief. "No."  
  
"What is-" Riker looked up, stopping himself just as the turbolift doors opened.  
  
His eyes widened in surprise. "Captain!"  
  
The whole bridge crew turned to face Picard as he stepped from the lift. Those that were sitting at their stations stood with respect.  
  
Lieutenant Hawk stood at a loose attention. "Captain on the bridge."  
  
"Please, everyone, as you were." Picard smiled, his hands clasped behind his back loosely as he strolled out of the lift. He took a breath as his eyes scanned the place. "So. this is the Enterprise."  
  
"Uh. yes." Riker blinked, recovering from his shock. "Are you-"  
  
"Commanding this vessel? Yes, I am. I hope you don't mind, Number One."  
  
Riker grinned, taking his seat once again. "Not at all, sir."  
  
Data smiled happily as well, still looking back at Picard. "It is good to have you back, Captain."  
  
"It's good to be back, Data." Picard circled around to the opposite side of the command chair, and slowly eased himself down into the seat. He shifted his weight around uncomfortably, then turned to see Riker staring at him with an amused smirk on his face. "I liked my old chair."  
  
He finally found a position that seemed comfortable. "Well, under normal circumstances I would give the order to leave drydock, but since that's been done."  
  
Troi gave an I Told You So look to Riker.  
  
". on with the shakedown cruise. Helm." He glanced down at a control panel on the arm of the command chair. " Come about to two-one-three mark zero-two-zero and engage, maximum velocity." His weight shifted forward in the chair, the same exhilaration he felt on the Stargazer and Enterprise- D's launch flowing through him. "Lets see what she's got."  
  
"Yes, sir." Hawk punched in the coordinates and engaged the warp engines.  
  
Picard stared at the viewscreen as the ship jumped to warp. But his eyes didn't focus on those stars as the points became streaks.  
  
His thoughts were in the past.  
  
He was back in a horse's saddle instead of the new command chair, having just commandeered the steed he was now riding from a barn less than twenty minutes ago. His hands gripped the reigns loosely. He had barely been able to follow the other mounted man to this small ravine.  
  
The other horse made a slow circle around Picard, its rider deep in thought. "Maybe it isn't about an empty house. Maybe it's about that empty chair on the bridge of the Enterprise Ever since I left Starfleet, I haven't made a difference." He pulled his reigns to the left, and his horse sidestepped left several feet, bringing his horse closer to Picard's. "Captain of the Enterprise, eh?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"Close to retirement?"  
  
"Not planning on it."  
  
"Let me tell you something, don't. Don't let them promote you. Don't let them transfer you. Don't let them do anything that will take you away from that chair. Because while you're there, you can make a difference."  
  
Picard blinked himself out of his reverie. It was a shame that he was so interested in getting Kirk to help him save the Veridian system he had missed the real meaning behind the words.  
  
Suddenly, he was surprised to find that his chair, despite being less padded then its predecessor, was beginning feel more comfortable. He eased himself back into it, his eyes finally focusing on the viewscreen.  
  
He would be making a difference. 


End file.
